My amazing puppeting skills

My adrenalin rush was not yet over. A few hours ago (although it seems a lifetime), due to intense boredom and not a little fate, i decided to read the vampires diary. I uttered a choice selection of words that caused the guard-bats to spontaneously combust. What i read in the diary shocked me to my very core: "I am a woman". This was a revelation to me, mainly due to the incredibly impressive beard that adorned her wrinkly face. Further on i read: "There is no way i shall be friends with that wrinkly smelling MIGS, ever ever ever ever ever!" I could not let this occur, i could not go back on my word to MIGS, nor allow him to fail, he is essential.
Things had gone from schnee to schneeer, i initiated plan PEN, i backflipped down from the ceiling, the process of which knocking me unconscious on the floating light shade. I regained consciousness when what i later found out to be vampire spit was sloshed over my head, they produce a hell of a lot, and the vampire leaning over me. "Welcome" said the vampire, i was not prepared for the vampire actually having powers of speech so i quickly stabbed a stake into her heart, through her back, in between her ribs. This was only half of the war, i spent the next hour attaching nylon wires to her arms, legs and other major body parts, i then attached the other end of these wires to an elaborate contraption made out of her four poster bed.
I heard a knock on the door and quickly swung myself up into the ceiling, i practiced walking the corpse to the door and quickly mastered the art, i opened the door and there was MIGS. I silently prayed to Almighty Llama (AH) that he would not see the stake sticking out of her back or notice the steady stream of dust pouring down her back as the process known as vampireturningtodustoncetheyhavebeenstabbedinthebackwithasteaking started. ''Will you be chummy with me you filthy disgusting piece of fossilized monkey poo in the form of a reincarnated duck liver with chives, lightly brushed with an overpowering mix of banana?'' said MIGS, i wordlessly thanked my mum for sending me to 'throw your voice class' many a summer ago and replied. MIGS closed the door just as, simultaneously, i sneezed, the remains of the vampire turned completely to dust, the ceiling caved in when i farted and maybe most surprising of all, "oh blast it Jeffrey, bend over and pick up my pen" drifted out of the grandfather clock that had until this point been a rather offensive picture of a toad. "That was lucky," said a partridge which then proceeded to spurt its excrement into my mouth and fly through the wall. "Yum," i said, then ran around the house singing the theme tune to the 13 o'clock ITV news until my adrenalin induced high dissipated, after this point i sang the BBC news theme tune.