Odour guided missile (I SMELL GAY PEOPLE!)

I lay there, surrounded by mud. But not mud, crap, foul smelling faeces that permeated everything. That's what you get when the entire population partakes in anal. Rolling to my side, I saw my fellow soldier, my best friend in these troubled times, a sperm. He had been hit. I saw it in his eyes, the very same eyes that had once belonged to one of his enemies, that he had stolen for his own use because for some reason sperm don't have eyes. I dragged him onto his front, drawing fresh groans from his tortured mouth.
"Oh god no, please, no more, my ring is already broken!"
The injury glared up at me, a dildo, wedged in his ass hole. I palpitated the area, trying my best to ignore his protests. It had to come out. For extra leverage, I placed my legs on either side of him, extracting a squeal of pure terror as I reached for his anus. A loud slurping noise heralded a sickening pop which in turn was followed by a dull slop.
"Great, more crap."
I chucked the offending article over the pink fluffy barbed wire, smiling with satisfaction upon hearing the explosion preceding a high pitched scream.

With a twist and a yank, I removed my nose from my face, it had been complaining too much about the smell. I loaded it into a heavy duty cannon, realised it wouldn't fit and relocated it to a handy trebuchet. My ears moaned in complaint,
"You're next," I thought as I cut the rope. The trebuchet emitted a toe splitting creak, was the contraption strong enough? With numerous additional creaks and orgasms, it slowly built up speed and at the apex of its swing, released my facial feature. It flew through the air, as if in slow motion. All eyes were drawn to it, little gasps of astonishment and amazement filled the theatre of war, their pitch depending on which end of no-straights-land they inhabited. My proboscis' reach for the heavens slowly came to an end, and with ever increasing speeds it returned to its previous role as gravity's bitch, culminating in the flattening of three major provinces, and the Jeb of the North, who died.