I may have bumped my head

I woke to a small rodent trying to take a running leap into Poo Bay, grabbing it by what appeared to be a tail, I flung it away from me. I rolled over, and wiped my hand across my visage to remove the faeces that would surely adorn it after a face plant. However, I found, to my surprise, my hand was questionably sticky.
"That wasn't a tail." I sighed. That was the seventh time today. Actually, come to think of it, yesterday, 'cause if the sun's there..
At that point, the sun gave me the finger, then a finger, and moved around a bit, just to prove a point.
"Pool!" I said, rubbing my singed ring ruefully. By an amazing coincidence, I was right. The sun was potted, proving the turning point in the game, and that was the end of his rule of terror.
"Ow!" Someone said, walking into a tree.
Getting to my feet, I tried to find my bearings.
"Where the hell am I?!" I shouted in frustration.
"I don't know, I fell down a hole."
"Helpful."
It was pitch black, but this meant the tiniest source of light instantly caught my eye. It was tinged with red, which did not, I thought, bode well. I then it said it as well, for good measure.
"This doesn't bode well." I said.
See? Told you. Nevertheless, it was the only thing I had to aim for, so I started walking. To my dismay, and slight bemusement, when I reached the source of the light, three days subsequently, there was nothing there but a ruby encrusted dildo, reflecting the light. I scanned the horizon and eventually found the source of the reflection, a green light. And any physicists who say green light will not reflect in something red can all go away. Come on, now, shoo. Thankyou.
The next source was far further, and the anticipation built steadily over the four months, to leave in a giant wooosh as it revealed itself to be a leaf, be it very polished. Barely stopping to urinate, which lead to an unfortunate stream down my leg, I pressed on to the next, blue, light, annoyance fueling my resolve. It was a vein, I shall leave it at that.
Although I did not know it, but I had been travelling in an overlarge quadrilateral, a fact that soon presented itself to me as a trip on my behalf lead to my presentation. That same ass obsessed animal had tried again, and succeeded.
"Ach, he deserves it, that's some serious perseverance!" I said, before ranting at a beam of light that had sprung into existence for no apparent reason and wasted a large portion of my life.