Over the Top

The word had come, today was the day. The day we go over the top. My mind was saturated with conflicting emotions, fear of the imminent assault, hope that this might finally be over and confusion about who the pool was running this war. I mean seriously, how the hell did I end up as a foot soldier, I thought I was one of the important people! And if this worlds entirely homosexual, and I was the last person to get through, who here is straight enough to wage war? A call from down the line of equally inexplicable soldiers interrupted my musings, "20 minutes left." What the pool was I going to do for 20 minutes? A few minutes later the answer was handed to me, porn. I slid my right hand down into my undergarments and grasped my rod, earning myself a cuff to the ear for my troubles.
"What the hell do you think you're doing boy?!" screamed my commanding officer.
"Wanking, sir."
"This is not for your own personal use! This is our weapon against the enemy, its well known that gay people are scared of boobs!"
"But surely if..."
"And we do not want to arouse them by charging their lines with our penises at attention!"
"Fair point sir," I said, wondering what kind of man could keep it up for 20 minutes, and whether his point was indeed blond. "Oh yeh!" I explained, smacking my forehead, "It won't be up for that long, that's how long it takes him to get it up!" Chrisps McBoner must've got through too.

All too soon, that dread moment arrived. Looking to my right I saw two of my cohorts had fastened their porn to a staff, forming a standard. To my left, the sperm struggling to grip the porn with his complete lack of limbs. I quickly seized it from him, and using the adhesive properties of the white substance flowing in a rivulet past my feet, plastered it to his overlarge head. The cry went up, we scrambled up the mound of faeces and charged. Screaming madly, wafting the nudity at our adversaries, watching each other because we didn't actually have a clue what the pool we were doing. All seemed to be going to whatever the plan was, until..
BOOM
A small pink ball flew overheard, playing the village people.
BOOM
Another ball landed inches from my foot, "Oh hellooo!" it crooned, rising up. I quickly stamped on it, out of reflex more than anything else.
BOOM
A direct hit, on our banner. Thin tendrils spread from the point of impact, spreading outwards until they had consumed its entirety, then withdrawing from the centre, leaving nothing of the substance. But where there had been all that was good, and pure, and firm, there was left evil. Filthy, sickening evil. All around me my comrades were falling (including the Jeb of the North, who was yet to die in this encounter). Chrisps stood rooted to the spot, gibbering,
"P - p - p - penis!" And he too fell.
"Its too big!" I cried
"Its too hard!"
"And oh God! That poor melon!!"
I couldn't take it. I collapsed in the dirt.