I kissed a girl and I liked it...

As a woman, I had unfortunately been left back in Bilton to make a stand against enemy ships on the home front. This, in my opinion, was a great shame, as one finds that one does love a good game of rugby every now and then... even if it DOES happen to involve standards made of porn and several thousand gay from lands afar.

So you see, one misses out on rather a lot of the activities of the great and wondrous Hart Field, as a consequence of having the epic misfortune to be born with a vagina. However, this feminine characteristic definitely has its advantages...

But, rather than dedicating my time to discussing the merits of the female genitalia, I shall endeavour to continue with my story of life on the home front. I turned on my good friend's brand new 52 inch television [which just so happened to have appeared in the middle of the RHS school field...] and was more than a little shocked to see two of our allies engaging openly in a sexual encounter before the very eyes of a news reporter. This confused me somewhat, as I could not possibly be led to believe that the BBC would allow this kind of palaver to ensue on live TV before the 9 o'clock watershed...

Rather disorientated by this completely unorthodox revelation, I panicked madly, then rushed off to find a ladder which I could steal. Next I hurriedly scrambled to the roof of the music block, from which I proceeded to throw wet tampons on passers-by [and MIGS... my aim is so good I can throw all the way from RHS to Hart Field...] in honour of Fish.

I am not really sure if my efforts had any effect on the great war, but I am sure I heard a great cry coming from the general direction of the aforementioned field, several minutes after I fired the tampon.

After I had grabbed a slice of the action for myself [and probably a few of the male sixth formers' nads...], some small and generally unimportant part of my brain reminded me to check my texts. Thus I removed my phone from my bra, and read a text which told me my best friend was stuck in a hole.

All I can say is that it serves him right for having a large penis.